cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
I've got a job!

I'm going to be working at a Boy Scout camp, as the art director. Which leads to my question -

Any of y'all have any art project ideas involving dinosaurs? Apparently the camp has a theme every year, and this year it's dinosaurs. So any ideas that would go for boys from 6 to 12, that could be done in 1 to 2 fifty minute sessions?
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
Short post - I has new icon! And it's a lesson as to why you don't tie dye without gloves. It took me weeks to get it off!
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
He's gonna be okay! Oh thank all the gods that are there and all the ones that aren't.
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
I've known most of my life that my father is going to die. It was the first nightmare I ever had, my father dying.

And lately, he's been talking about how tired he is, although I just got a text message telling me that "everything is fine" and that they've found out what was causing the fatigue. But I am still scared.

I love my father. When my mother would fly into her rages, he would get me out of the house. He takes me out to dinner, he talks to me, he laughs at my jokes and listens to my story ideas. He recommends me music, plays, books, and I do the same. We both love Terry Pratchett. When I was little, he read to me.

My father is old. He will be 80 on November 16th. I know that he is old. I know that he is tired. But I am selfish. I want him to stay here. I want him to come to my college graduation and see me get married and come to my classroom so I can introduce him to my students. I want to keep going to movies with him, and getting into arguments. But I don't want him to hurt. I don't want him to be unhappy, because I love him and I don't want him to be in pain.

This is the first time that I've really had to think about him dying. Like, really really had to think about the fact that there will be a time when my father is not alive anymore. And I don't want to think about it, but I think I'm going to have to. That's part of being an adult. Learning that your parents are mortal.

I love you, Daddy.
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
I'm wearing my homemade binder today - 2 reduction bras + a tank top + shirt + sweater. I'm hoping it does something, at least.

Yes, pathetic update is pathetic, I know.
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
I'm going to be a bitchy, annoying, whiny fan fic writer for a moment, because this is something that drives me crazy but I can't really voice without looking like... well, looking like a whiner.

I miss my fans. I started out writing yaoi, and I enjoyed it for a good long time, but then some switch got turned off, and I don't write it anymore. I write het, I write yuri, I write gen, and I post it in my LJ and AFF.net, and it doesn't get comments. It doesn't get attention. And I hate that! I hate that the stuff that I just rattled off without thinking is the stuff that everyone likes, hate the fact that all of the stuff that I do care about gets ignored, more or less.

I hate yaoi. I really, really hate it. I don't entirely know why. At least some of it is in conjunction with the people I associate it with. I hate the fact that the shittiest little yaoi story gets all the attention, and anything I write gets nothing. I like to think I'm a good writer, although I may just be being conceited. I don't know.

I'm tempted to delete all of my yaoi stuff. Like, seriously tempted. But I'd probably regret it later, and then where would it leave me? It's just, so much of it is shit, and I hate that it's all people read. They don't read my het or my gen or my yuri, they read my yaoi.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm buying into mainstream heteronormaty, because I write het. But when I look around fandom, all I see is yaoi/slash, followed by yuri/femmeslash, and het at the bottom. I hate the straight fangirls who are all "I'm more progressive and you're a homophobe for not writing yaoi", despite the fact that these are the types of girls who would probably move when I sat next to them for being queer. I hate that parts of my identity are being co-opted for a person's fetish, and I get that they've a right to have the fetish, but my selfish self also wants people to read my other stuff. The stuff that I care about, I wish people would notice it. I know I'm a horrible person, a selfish person, and it makes me want to pull my hair out.
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
Today was a bad day. A very bad day. About the only good thing I got out of today was a tie dyed t-shirt, which I made.

Alright - so today, in one of my classes, we got to talking about sex and gender. So I got to sit and listen while people made tranny jokes, and called intersex people disgusting. I got to sit through all of this, and I lost my temper. Yes, I'm hostile. I'm angry. I can't explain it, not entirely.

In order to get a job, I need to lie about myself. My basic self. I can't talk about my girlfriend. I can't talk about my gender. I hate that. And I can't make so many people understand what it is like. For your skin not to fit - and it isn't like being fat.

People deny my basic existence. They say I'm sick, that I'm bad and wrong and delusional. And I can't get it across to them, and I can't be logical, because it hurts.
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
Read more... )
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
Warning - a lot of navel gazing, and more TMI than you could shake a stick at.

Read more... )

Geez, this is one long and self involved entry. Still, nobody reads this shit, so I guess I shouldn't worry too much, right? I probably should go to sleep, though. Maybe I'll keep up with the navel gazing and put some actual content in here now and again, eh?
cythewriter: Me + tie dye (Default)
Well, I guess this is my first DW entry! So, um, hi! Maybe I'll post all of my ficcage here at some point, but not just yet, I think. Nothing substantial yet, but we shall see!

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Cy Fur

May 2010

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